It gnaws at her heart, tears at her soul. Constantly, that nagging feeling that everything is doomed to fall apart, no matter how much planning and rehearsing goes into it. Inevitable failure at every turn. Such is the life of the constant worrier.
Why should things change now?
What can go wrong will, she believes. Just look at her track record: the trail of failure and mistakes follows her all along her past. Friendships hardly ever last, relationships never even exist. Grades slowly slip, the slide show doesn't flow as nicely as it should. The plants never survive, the roast burns. She goes through life unnoticed, except when everything falls apart. Then the mistake that is her life becomes glaringly apparent, full of criticism, doubt, worry, defeat....
Why should things change now?
There's nothing special about her, nothing that sets her apart from anyone else. She's a loner, has bad people skills. Somehow she manages to fake her way through awkward social situations, but always ends up alone. She never has fun, never enjoys herself. Never feels happy.
Why should things change now?
Why does he think she's special? Does he just want something? There's no reason he should pay attention to her. She's nothing. Less than nothing. Doesn't even deserve to scrape the gum from the bottom of his shoe. Everything that can go wrong will. He wants something. He's using her. Just like the rest of them.
Why should things change now?
He makes her smile, makes her laugh. Why does he care? Is he real? He wants her to be happy. She's nothing, doesn't deserve this. She's too torn on the inside; ripped to pieces by the demon of worry and doubt feasting on her soul. No one has ever cared before.
Why should things change now?
Why are things changing now?
09 January 2011
08 January 2011
IT'S ALIVE!!!
I can't sleep. If you're a regular reader of my blog, I'm sure that comes as no surprise to you. However, I doubt regular readers of my blog exist anymore, considering I haven't updated in about a year and a half. I only bother to do it now because 1)I can't sleep, and 2)I know of someone who might like to read some new things from me. Therefore, I'm going to try to write here for a little while, at least. So, if you're an old reader and have me on an RSS feed or something, welcome back. Otherwise I doubt you even know I've written anything.
So! On to actual content.
Relationships have always been kind of a touchy subject for me, especially after the infamous Sam fiasco last year...er, the year before now, I guess (holy crap! has it really been that long?!). I was never even close to being in any kind of a dating relationship until then, when I was 21, and that only lasted for (less than) 2 months. There have been no other prospects.
Because of this, I've always kind of flip-flopped between whether or not I think I actually belong in a relationship. Or if I even deserve it. Of course I enjoyed it while it lasted, but as the only one didn't last very long and I haven't had any opportunities for more, I often think that it's not something that God intends for me.
I miss it. I don't miss the specific boy anymore, by any means, but I miss the relationship. There are many nights that I sit awake for hours after I go to bed wallowing in my loneliness, often resulting in crying myself to sleep. I miss always having someone wanting to talk to me or hang out with me. I miss the physical closeness that I otherwise feel extremely uncomfortable having.
I miss it, but do I need it? This is the question I continue to wrestle with. I know something is missing in my life, something big, but is that what it is? Or do I just need a more fulfilling career? Or is it something else entirely?
So! On to actual content.
Relationships have always been kind of a touchy subject for me, especially after the infamous Sam fiasco last year...er, the year before now, I guess (holy crap! has it really been that long?!). I was never even close to being in any kind of a dating relationship until then, when I was 21, and that only lasted for (less than) 2 months. There have been no other prospects.
Because of this, I've always kind of flip-flopped between whether or not I think I actually belong in a relationship. Or if I even deserve it. Of course I enjoyed it while it lasted, but as the only one didn't last very long and I haven't had any opportunities for more, I often think that it's not something that God intends for me.
I miss it. I don't miss the specific boy anymore, by any means, but I miss the relationship. There are many nights that I sit awake for hours after I go to bed wallowing in my loneliness, often resulting in crying myself to sleep. I miss always having someone wanting to talk to me or hang out with me. I miss the physical closeness that I otherwise feel extremely uncomfortable having.
I miss it, but do I need it? This is the question I continue to wrestle with. I know something is missing in my life, something big, but is that what it is? Or do I just need a more fulfilling career? Or is it something else entirely?
07 July 2009
Day 2 of my parents' vacation
My parents went to Myrtle Beach for 4 days. I stayed here, because I have to work. Also, I hate the beach. So I get 4 days to myself, at home. With the cats, of course. So, to keep me from being bored, I've been trying new recipes that either my parents wouldn't like (such as mushroom stroganoff tonight), or that I don't know if the recipe would be any good (like the eggplant parmesan from last night... most beautiful, delicious stuff I've ever made, by the way), or just to use up stuff that would otherwise go bad in the fridge (like half a recipe of carrot cake... gotta use up those carrots and cream cheese, you know). So far, I've made ratatouille, eggplant parmesan, carrot cake, a grilled cheese sandwich, and I'll be making mushroom stroganoff tonight and chicken with an artichoke and mushroom sauce tomorrow. So far, nothing's been horrible. Hurrah.
I also went for a walk in the (no trespassing!) woods behind our house this evening. All the cats (sans the indoor one) went with me. They were all pretty dang adorable, and seemed to have a lot of fun. We were out there for almost an hour and a half... I got a little lost at one point, but the cats didn't seem to care/notice. My arms and legs are a little itchy from being poked with thorns, but overall it was a good experience.
The rest of my plans for tonight include making my dinner, frosting my cake, and reading more of Dune Messiah. Tomorrow, I have to return to work at 8AM. I'm technically supposed to be done by 3, but no one else is working in the laundry room tomorrow, so we'll see how accurate that is.
I also went for a walk in the (no trespassing!) woods behind our house this evening. All the cats (sans the indoor one) went with me. They were all pretty dang adorable, and seemed to have a lot of fun. We were out there for almost an hour and a half... I got a little lost at one point, but the cats didn't seem to care/notice. My arms and legs are a little itchy from being poked with thorns, but overall it was a good experience.
The rest of my plans for tonight include making my dinner, frosting my cake, and reading more of Dune Messiah. Tomorrow, I have to return to work at 8AM. I'm technically supposed to be done by 3, but no one else is working in the laundry room tomorrow, so we'll see how accurate that is.
03 July 2009
I hate Subway commercials
So I randomly decided to see if I had any new comments on my blog tonight, and there was one from Heather that said that I hadn't updated in over a month... that was about a month ago. So much for trying to keep up with my blog.
In all honesty, though, very little has occurred over these past two months that is very bloggable. I mean, it's not like I lead a very exciting life. Currently, I'm working in the laundry room at Holiday Inn. It's probably among the worst jobs ever. Alas, it's a paycheck, and jobs are sort of hard to come by, so I'll basically do what I can to get some money to pay for (my last quarter of!) school. But other than that, I pretty much read and hang out with my cats.
I suppose, however, that one thing of import has happened as of late... Adric left for Afghanistan last week. He was able to get a few days of leave first, so I was able to see him several times before he left, and even got to go to the Cleveland airport with him to see him off. Last I knew, he was in an airport in Germany, but that was early in the week, and I'd imagine that he's probably reached his destination by now. He's going to be deployed for 8-10 months at this point (this may be extended, however), and may or may not be given any leave. Prayers are, of course, encouraged and appreciated.
Anyway, I have to go to work tomorrow, so I should be off to bed. I hope this brief update satisfied you all.
In all honesty, though, very little has occurred over these past two months that is very bloggable. I mean, it's not like I lead a very exciting life. Currently, I'm working in the laundry room at Holiday Inn. It's probably among the worst jobs ever. Alas, it's a paycheck, and jobs are sort of hard to come by, so I'll basically do what I can to get some money to pay for (my last quarter of!) school. But other than that, I pretty much read and hang out with my cats.
I suppose, however, that one thing of import has happened as of late... Adric left for Afghanistan last week. He was able to get a few days of leave first, so I was able to see him several times before he left, and even got to go to the Cleveland airport with him to see him off. Last I knew, he was in an airport in Germany, but that was early in the week, and I'd imagine that he's probably reached his destination by now. He's going to be deployed for 8-10 months at this point (this may be extended, however), and may or may not be given any leave. Prayers are, of course, encouraged and appreciated.
Anyway, I have to go to work tomorrow, so I should be off to bed. I hope this brief update satisfied you all.
30 April 2009
Ew. Ew ew ew ew.
Reader discretion advised: this gets really gross.
So, during spring break, I got a sinus infection that caused vast amounts of pain in my teeth. About 2 weeks after I got back, I went to the dentist and got a prescription to take care of it. About 2 days after that, a small, skin-colored bump on my shoulder that had been there at least since October began to change color and grow. Within 2 weeks, this small bump expanded to 9cm (I know this because the doctor measured it today), and was a mix of red, purple, and blue. It had gotten to the point that the only way I didn't experience severe pain was lying on my stomach with my arms above my head.
So, Monday night, I looked up my symptoms on WebMD and discovered that I most likely had an abscess that needed to be drained. The procedure didn't look like it was too big of a deal: a small incision would be made, and the fluid inside drained. Then it would heal over the next week or so. So, Tuesday, I made an appointment for Wednesday afternoon, assuming the doctor would look at it, say "yep, it's an abscess that needs drained" and would drain it. Apparently, it's not that simple.
I get to my appointment, and everything starts out like normal. I went into a room to wait for my doctor, and an intern comes in and asks if she can get started. So I described the history of the abscess, and she asked to see it. The first thing she says when she sees it? "Oh, my." After a little more observation, she gets the doctor, who responds in a similar manner. Then they both start poking at it. Remember, this thing hurts like something that hurts a lot. I really just wanted to say "it's an abscess! It's not that big of a deal; just cut the dang thing open!" But no. They can't seem to figure out what it is, but decide that it should be drained (thank God). Apparently, this doctor can't do drainings, however, so I'm referred to another doctor, upstairs. He's part of a different practice, so I have to pay my copay again. Basically, I paid $15 to get poked.
Fortunately, he was able to get me in almost immediately. I went upstairs, filled out some paperwork, paid my copay again, and waited a few minutes. One of his assistants called me back, and the first thing she said to me was "so you have an abscess on your shoulder?" Finally. So she looked at it, said something about it being very colorful, then left to let me change into my lovely pink paper gown. After waiting a while longer, the doctor came in. He numbed my shoulder, cut it open, drained the abscess, packed the wound, and covered it in gauze. He explained what he got out of it, using some very colorful descriptions that I'm not going to share, because it's extremely disgusting and disturbing. I mean, it's too nasty even with the disclaimer.
This may seem like enough for one day. But, rest assured, there's more.
After I got home, I checked my dressings. Completely blood-soaked. I don't think it got onto my clothes, fortunately, but it was bloody nonetheless. I took a shower this evening so I could change my soiled dressing and packing. Unpacking a wound is probably the most disturbing thing I've ever had to do. The packing material is kind of like a sterile cotton ribbon stuffed into the rather deep wound. I had to pull it out before I could pack more in. It doesn't hurt, but it's a very disturbing feeling to pull a 1/4 inch wide, blood-covered ribbon out of your back. It's almost equally disturbing to have to put clean ribbon back in, but that's not quite as bad.
Currently, I have about a foot of ribbon packing in a hole in my shoulder. It's extremely gross, as I've mentioned. However, the good thing about abscesses is that they instantly feel better once they're drained. So even though keeping it clean is gross and disturbing, it feels tremedously better now, which I guess is the point.
It's a good thing I'm not squimish, because this could be very bad otherwise.
So, during spring break, I got a sinus infection that caused vast amounts of pain in my teeth. About 2 weeks after I got back, I went to the dentist and got a prescription to take care of it. About 2 days after that, a small, skin-colored bump on my shoulder that had been there at least since October began to change color and grow. Within 2 weeks, this small bump expanded to 9cm (I know this because the doctor measured it today), and was a mix of red, purple, and blue. It had gotten to the point that the only way I didn't experience severe pain was lying on my stomach with my arms above my head.
So, Monday night, I looked up my symptoms on WebMD and discovered that I most likely had an abscess that needed to be drained. The procedure didn't look like it was too big of a deal: a small incision would be made, and the fluid inside drained. Then it would heal over the next week or so. So, Tuesday, I made an appointment for Wednesday afternoon, assuming the doctor would look at it, say "yep, it's an abscess that needs drained" and would drain it. Apparently, it's not that simple.
I get to my appointment, and everything starts out like normal. I went into a room to wait for my doctor, and an intern comes in and asks if she can get started. So I described the history of the abscess, and she asked to see it. The first thing she says when she sees it? "Oh, my." After a little more observation, she gets the doctor, who responds in a similar manner. Then they both start poking at it. Remember, this thing hurts like something that hurts a lot. I really just wanted to say "it's an abscess! It's not that big of a deal; just cut the dang thing open!" But no. They can't seem to figure out what it is, but decide that it should be drained (thank God). Apparently, this doctor can't do drainings, however, so I'm referred to another doctor, upstairs. He's part of a different practice, so I have to pay my copay again. Basically, I paid $15 to get poked.
Fortunately, he was able to get me in almost immediately. I went upstairs, filled out some paperwork, paid my copay again, and waited a few minutes. One of his assistants called me back, and the first thing she said to me was "so you have an abscess on your shoulder?" Finally. So she looked at it, said something about it being very colorful, then left to let me change into my lovely pink paper gown. After waiting a while longer, the doctor came in. He numbed my shoulder, cut it open, drained the abscess, packed the wound, and covered it in gauze. He explained what he got out of it, using some very colorful descriptions that I'm not going to share, because it's extremely disgusting and disturbing. I mean, it's too nasty even with the disclaimer.
This may seem like enough for one day. But, rest assured, there's more.
After I got home, I checked my dressings. Completely blood-soaked. I don't think it got onto my clothes, fortunately, but it was bloody nonetheless. I took a shower this evening so I could change my soiled dressing and packing. Unpacking a wound is probably the most disturbing thing I've ever had to do. The packing material is kind of like a sterile cotton ribbon stuffed into the rather deep wound. I had to pull it out before I could pack more in. It doesn't hurt, but it's a very disturbing feeling to pull a 1/4 inch wide, blood-covered ribbon out of your back. It's almost equally disturbing to have to put clean ribbon back in, but that's not quite as bad.
Currently, I have about a foot of ribbon packing in a hole in my shoulder. It's extremely gross, as I've mentioned. However, the good thing about abscesses is that they instantly feel better once they're drained. So even though keeping it clean is gross and disturbing, it feels tremedously better now, which I guess is the point.
It's a good thing I'm not squimish, because this could be very bad otherwise.
27 April 2009
Bored, as usual
So here I am, sitting around until my First Aid practical, bored. I've been looking at random, amusing websites recently, however (mostly funny pictures and videos... but I don't usually watch the videos), and thought I'd share some of them here, both to spread the amusement and so I don't lose them.
Engrish Funny
Picture is Unrelated
Failblog
Engrish Funny
Picture is Unrelated
Failblog
20 April 2009
I need a catchphrase
It's week 4 of spring quarter, and I have yet to write anything about it. I'll bet you're feeling deprived. Actually, all my classes are pretty laid back and boring this quarter, so there's not really much to say about them. The only class that's not set up that way is Latin American Studies, and since this is, oh, probably the tenth class I've taken on Latin America, it's pretty easy. I could have done some of the lectures... without notes. Color photography is pretty sweet, though. I'm finding it easier than black and white, save for the doing-everything-completely-in-the-dark part. But since I don't have to process my own film, it's not bad.
On a mostly unrelated note, we watched a film in International Studies about the revolutions in Peru last week (we watched it last week, the revolutions were years ago). I found it disturbing, not because of what actually happened during the revolts, but because I can see the US heading down similar paths, and if it gets to that point in my lifetime, I can see myself as a revolutionist. And that, quite frankly, is a little frightening to me. But that doesn't change the fact that I would become one if the need arises. And if it ever does, I'm coming back here and deleting this post.
On a mostly unrelated note, we watched a film in International Studies about the revolutions in Peru last week (we watched it last week, the revolutions were years ago). I found it disturbing, not because of what actually happened during the revolts, but because I can see the US heading down similar paths, and if it gets to that point in my lifetime, I can see myself as a revolutionist. And that, quite frankly, is a little frightening to me. But that doesn't change the fact that I would become one if the need arises. And if it ever does, I'm coming back here and deleting this post.
16 March 2009
Crying with a headcold
So when my friend told me back around Christmas that he had been reactivated and would be leaving at the end of winter quarter, I knew life was going to be tough for me for a while. I didn't realize, however, that it was going to start a week before he left.
I've never cried when someone left before. I mean, I'm sure I did when I was little and Mom left me in the nursery at church or something, but at that point in my life I didn't understand that she was going to come back. So it doesn't count. I've had friends leave for extended periods before, and it didn't bother me as much. For most of them, I didn't even realize that I had missed them all that much until they came back and I realized how much more fun life was with them around again. I've lost friendships, but that didn't really bother me all that much either, mostly because I had noticed them falling apart before and I was just waiting for the end to finally come. I didn't cry when I left Mexico, even though I doubt I will ever see the few friends I made there again.
This is different, for some reason.
I think it's because I'm terrified that I'm never going to see him again. It's not like I'm afraid he's going to get killed, even though I suppose that is a possibility (I really don't want to think about that). By the time he gets back, I'll be long graduated. It will be very unlikely that I'll still be here... I doubt I'll still be in Ohio by then. Very few of my high school friends went to schools other than OU, but of the ones that did, I believe I've seen one of them since high school. There are even people that I was close to in high school that go to OU that I haven't seen since we graduated. I'm afraid that this record will continue, and the thought of that happening again with the closest friend I've ever really had is probably the most terrifying thought that's ever crossed my mind.
I've never cried when someone left before. I mean, I'm sure I did when I was little and Mom left me in the nursery at church or something, but at that point in my life I didn't understand that she was going to come back. So it doesn't count. I've had friends leave for extended periods before, and it didn't bother me as much. For most of them, I didn't even realize that I had missed them all that much until they came back and I realized how much more fun life was with them around again. I've lost friendships, but that didn't really bother me all that much either, mostly because I had noticed them falling apart before and I was just waiting for the end to finally come. I didn't cry when I left Mexico, even though I doubt I will ever see the few friends I made there again.
This is different, for some reason.
I think it's because I'm terrified that I'm never going to see him again. It's not like I'm afraid he's going to get killed, even though I suppose that is a possibility (I really don't want to think about that). By the time he gets back, I'll be long graduated. It will be very unlikely that I'll still be here... I doubt I'll still be in Ohio by then. Very few of my high school friends went to schools other than OU, but of the ones that did, I believe I've seen one of them since high school. There are even people that I was close to in high school that go to OU that I haven't seen since we graduated. I'm afraid that this record will continue, and the thought of that happening again with the closest friend I've ever really had is probably the most terrifying thought that's ever crossed my mind.
12 March 2009
Happiness? Pt. 2
So my readers that are also on Facebook have probably noticed the recent influx of survey and quiz "notes" that have been appearing as of late. I find them to be annoying, especially the pictures that you "tag" your friends as different things based on personality. But that's just me, I suppose.
One recent survey caught my attention, however. I've only seen it come up on my stalkerfeed twice, so it hasn't reached the popularity of some of the others that are out there, but I found it to be interesting. The title is "My life is __% happy." In doing the survey, you determine the percentage that goes in that blank. So, being bored, I read it, and, for the sake of this blog post, calculated my happiness percentage. Using the formula given, I am 78% happy. However, using the given formula, it is possible to be 117% happy, so using real math, I'm 67% happy. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd rank my happiness at about a 4, maybe a 5 on a good day.
What I found particularly interesting was the criteria that supposedly makes one happy. The VAST majority of the things that grace this list are material items. Sure, I own a cell phone, and I've always had my own bedroom that is big enough for me. I have a computer in my room (heck, it's a laptop, and I have wireless internet at my house, so I have a computer in whatever room I want one in. For all you know, I'm blogging in the bathroom).
Happiness does not come from material items. People always tell you that, and it's true. So why did someone go about making this list that so obviously is based on materialism is beyond me. There are many, many people in this world who could probably be 117% happy according to this survey, but never feel any real joy in their lives. Or, conversely, there could be someone out there who can't put a single check on that list, but still enjoy life to the fullest.
I guess this is just me complaining about how superficial some people are. I'm happiest with the people who I care about the most, and care about me, too. And I don't even generally like people.
07 March 2009
Happiness?
I've recently discovered what makes me really happy. In all honesty, I don't remember ever being as truly happy as I have been the last few days. I've known, at least for the last year or so, that I really enjoy photography, but only since Wednesday have I found out that it actually makes me happy. I've gotten used to being depressed most of the time, and this non-depression feels a little weird. I think a lot of it has to do with my "model", of course, so hopefully it won't lose its therapeutic qualities in the coming months.
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